To Whom It Possibly Perchance May Concern:
I hate writing cover letters—not the writing part, the unspoken part, the oynx elephant in the room part, the part that we don’t talk directly about like my unfulfilling relationship that slowly killed me because we got together way too young and we were staying together for the sake of the kids part. I like writing. I like having the bluesky room to write, but I also need a four-walled room to write in. I also need a room for my sons to stay in when they visit me on the weekends. In order to have a room for writing and the room to be a father, there needs to be a roof over these rooms. Roofs cost money; you need a job for money; and you’re offering a job that pays money, ergo I write.
So, I did a quick query, What should a great cover letter say? I also enquired, What type of writing makes the most money? Unrelatedly, I asked, What are the best ways for a recently single father to start dating? We were together since high school: now I’m in my thirties. This is all new to me. I feel like a bird pushed out of the nest. Actually, she pushed me out of the nest so that the boys’ karate instructor could move in. Can you believe that? Two months after I moved out, he moves in. I thought she was going to work on herself, figure out who she was and what she wanted to do with life. I now know: if a woman says that she wants to work on herself, what she is really saying is she’s interested in someone, and you need to pack up your things and move yourself into a separate apartment and not concern yourself with that unfamiliar car that is parked outside of your old home. That part is none of your business.
However, a perfect business cover letter for your resume is made of the following four parts. First, a salutation. Second, an introduction. Third, body paragraphs. Finally, a closing paragraph. Got it. I am already in my thirties and into the third part of my cover letter. Man, time flies. My twenties are over. What a waste. The first two and half parts of my cover letter are wasted as well. My introduction was attention getting for all the wrong reasons—like when I became a father at 22. I didn’t even talk about my relevant professional experience, achievements, skills, and education. Why even bother? In the end, when I was trying to save things, I told her that the two years I spent toiling away in the basement, reading and writing for grad school was for her and the boys; so that I could provide them with a better life. You know what she said? She said, That’s not true. You did that for yourself.
Ultimately, all the qualifications that I have indicated in my CV were not good enough to save my failing relationship—to keep me, my boys and their mother under one roof. So now, I need my own roof for me, and for my boys on the weekend. Still, you will find all my qualifications for the position thoroughly detailed in my CV, and I am eager for the opportunity to interview at your earliest convenience. I will be there hat in hand, heartbroken but healing, hoping for an opportunity to hem myself in my work. I have a roof, other arrears, and my general foolishness that I need to pay for. All my dreams have been dashed; I am only an outside obligated by its debts. I am yours, if you will have me.
A man surrendering